I'll Be Home
by Vintage Tea Party
Summary: It's Christmas but for Rose, separated from the Doctor in a parallel world, their bond severed, she couldn't be farther from the home. But if there is anything that she has learned in her time with the Doctor, it was that they were capable of fantastic things together. She just might find herself exactly where she wants to be if only briefly. *5th in the Stuff of Legends series*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm sorry! I had to do it. But even though the Doctor and Rose are separated I have no intention of leaving them that way**

Rose pushed the door shut behind her and leaned up against it with a sigh of relief. Finally, some silence or at least as close to silence as she was going to be able to get today. She closed her eyes and though she could still hear the murmured sounds of voices and music playing downstairs it was enough peace for her to feel like she wasn't going to lose it. She walked to the bed and laid down on it, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. It was only then that she gave into the sorrow that she had felt all day.

It was Christmas in the parallel universe and the Tyler mansion was filled with people, enjoying the extravagant party they were throwing for the holiday. It was her mum's first opportunity to host a party in her new home and she had gone all out for the occasion. Rose didn't blame her for it; she was glad to see her mum so happy. It was just that there were so many people and they were all so happy that it had only seemed to highlight Rose's grief. She had tried to have a good day. She'd really tried to be happy or at least play the part but she ran out of energy quick. This was not like any Christmas she'd ever had. The contrast of how they were celebrating Christmas today compared to the way they always had celebrated it only proved how different life was here in this alternate universe. Though she knew that this day would have been difficult regardless of how it was celebrated, the extravagance of it all seemed to make it worse.

She couldn't help but feel how all of this felt wrong. How could anyone be celebrating anything? Rose could hardly stand it. It was strange for her to be so sad because she had always loved Christmas. But not today; not this Christmas. Not here. Christmas was supposed to be the happiest day of the year and maybe that was why today felt even sadder to her than all those before. The joy and happiness that one was supposed to feel on this day was completely absent from her heart. It was difficult enough to try and ignore her pain on a normal day. She never could forget it completely; she could only try and get past it. But even that was impossible for her today.

She had stayed at the party for as long as she could but when she could no longer fake happiness or interest any longer she had gone out to the backyard. It was really too cold to be out and she hoped to escape the crowds of people. No one else had dared to brave the cold and it seemed she would have a few moments of peace. But she had only been out there a few minutes when she got frustrated and went back inside to take refuge in one of the spare bedrooms instead. There were several zeppelins flying around obscuring her view of the sky which had only irritated her. She could never get away from those things and every one of them was a reminder. Every time she saw one it screamed _This isn't right!_ Because there weren't zeppelins in _her_ universe. There weren't zeppelins in _his_ universe.

The zeppelins were just one of the many things that reminded her how far she was from home. This universe was never even meant to have a Rose Tyler living in it and she keenly felt how out of place she was here. She always wanted to go home but never more than she did on this day, a day that was meant for home and family and those you loved the most. She couldn't go home though. Her home was in another universe. Her home was in a time machine. But most importantly, home was with the Doctor. But as much as she wanted to be there, there was nothing in this world that could help her get home for Christmas.

Five months. She had been separated from the Doctor for five months now. It was five months, twelve days and three hours to be precise. She never could seem to keep herself from measuring the time, no matter how badly she wanted to. She had known that things were changing in her mind from all of the time she was spending with the Doctor long before they'd been separated. She had started to see their timeline and catch glimpses of the future; she could feel time and she started to understand it in the ways he did. A lot of those new abilities had faded without the Doctor there to help her exercise them but this crazy ability to measure time had, to her annoyance, stayed and remained as strong as ever. It was like she had a clock always running in her head. Most of the time she didn't want to know how long it had been since she had lost him. Watching the time grow was too painful.

Three weeks. That was the amount of time that they'd had together from the night they had glimpsed the future that would separate them until it had become a reality. Three weeks, two days, seven hours and four precious minutes of time spent together. This was a period of time she cherished being able to measure down to the minute. But sadly, this number did not increase as the previous one did. It remained frozen, never changing or growing.

Her mind throbbed in pain growing in intensity as she finally allowed herself to cry muffling the sound of it in a pillow. She held one hand up to her head and rubbed at it fiercely though she knew it would do no good. It wasn't just a headache; her mind was reaching out to touch the Doctor's. Her mind, like everything in else in her, missed him and needed him terribly. It was straining to make a connection with his but found nothing.

It was always the worst when she got upset. When she was upset her mind longed even more to be with his and receive the comfort that would bring. She'd been familiar with that pain even before their parting. She'd experienced it even from the beginning of their time as a bonded couple. The pain showed how they were meant to be there for each other. It had never been a problem then; he had been there to take it away. It was only a problem now because he wasn't there as he should be. Without his comfort the pain could go on for an awfully long time and it could reach new levels of intensity she had never experienced before. She knew she shouldn't allow herself to get too upset right now when she was already feeling so lonely and hurt but she couldn't help it.

The pain she felt was even worse because it was the pain of a broken bond. The pain of their separation had been unbearable when she first arrived here. The pain of their minds being ripped apart was the worst thing she'd ever experienced. They had been so closely connected that there was a part of him that lingered in her mind even when they weren't bonding. But when she'd been pulled into this universe away from him that part had been torn out of her.

She hadn't felt it instantly. She had beat upon that stupid white wall and screamed those three words she had dreaded she would. But she'd quickly quieted herself to listen. She desperately sought out their connection wanting to know if she could feel him or if maybe she could even still talk to him across the distance. In the weeks leading up to that day their connection had become so strong she felt she was almost to the point where she would be able to reach out to him. As she pressed up against that wall she had reached out with all the mental power she was capable of to see if she could reach him but she had felt nothing; she could not sense him at all. He was gone.

That was when the pain started. It had been so terrible that even now Rose didn't know what words to use to describe it. Anything she could compare it to was not nearly strong enough to accurately describe what it had felt like. She couldn't remember much of what happened immediately after that. Everything had turned black and she could hardly hear anything. She was sure that her mum and Pete and Mickey had rushed to her but she didn't remember it. She remembered nothing of the drive back to the Tyler mansion. She thought maybe she remembered Mickey carrying her upstairs and laying her on a bed in one of the bedrooms. She did vaguely recall her mum sitting with her and holding her a while though eventually she had left, mercifully leaving Rose by herself.

She wondered if they had been scared. She knew it had to have been obvious she was in pain. She didn't know if she had been screaming but she knew with certainty she had been sobbing. Maybe they had just assumed it was only from emotional pain and thought she was being overly dramatic. If they had thought that no one had said it and for that she was grateful. That initial pain, where his mind was being pulled out of hers had been so incapacitating she couldn't have given any explanation even if one had been demanded of her. She didn't know how long that had lasted. She didn't know how long it had taken for their bond to sever, as they were pulled apart, leaving their connection frayed and broken and a deep hole in her mind.

After that was over she had been left with was the pain of a mental bond that was completely broken. This pain was different than that initial pulling apart from him and it was slightly less painful but she wasn't sure that was better. It was only slightly better but because it wasn't blinding she was more aware of what was going on in and around her and that was definitely worse. She became keenly aware of the state of her own mind. She could feel how torn apart it was, how it was gaping open, the place where the Doctor fit, empty, the edges of her half of their severed bond raw and limp without being connected to him.

She spent her first three days in this universe in bed. Despite the trauma of their bond being cut her mind had continued to reach and search for his. Maybe it was even because of that trauma that it had sought him. Never before had she needed comfort so much. Maybe her mind had reached out for him out of this need even though it had to know with certainty he wasn't there. She didn't know the reason it was still searching but she hadn't tried to fight it; she had given into it from the start. She was too emotionally upset to have any energy or will to think about trying to overcome it.

Her mum had checked on her several times a day. She had tried to get her to eat something or drink some tea or take a shower, anything that might make her feel better but she had refused. The pain and movement of her mind was entirely too distracting for anything else. It demanded to have her full attention and it would not be ignored for anything. She might have been embarrassed about staying in bed and crying for days if the pain hadn't been so terrible. It was an all-consuming pain that she couldn't have ignored no matter how hard she tried.

She had worried in those first few days that the pain would never go away. She hadn't known how long her mind would reach out or if it would ever stop. It had never been a problem because the Doctor was always there with her to relieve it so she had no idea how long it would last without him there. They had never discussed what would happen in the event of a separation. Neither had wanted to approach that subject but it had left Rose with a lot of unknowns. She had no knowledge of this on her own and there was no one she could ask for advice. No one here even knew the pain she was going through or how great the loss was that she was suffering.

But as bad as the pain was, it wasn't as bad as when she woke up on the fourth day and there was no pain; that was actually worse. Her mind was still and unmoving; it was no longer searching. It had given up. After three days of looking for the Doctor and not finding him it had resigned itself that he was not there. The end of the pain should have been a relief to Rose but it wasn't. Her mind had accepted her fate and had started to adapt to the Doctor's absence. That day she had gotten out of bed and, feeling numb, had faced this new world.

The relief from the pain wasn't permanent. The Doctor was still out there and her mind still longed for him at times as it was doing now. In a way, that was a comfort to her. She lived in fear that a day would come when it would be gone forever and what that would mean. There was a lot that she still didn't know about the bond but there was one thing she did know: There was only one way it could be permanently broken. Death was the only way to sever ties completely. So, every time she felt it, though it hurt, in a way, it was comforting. Because of it she at least knew that the Doctor was still alive.

Her cries by now had now developed into sobs. "I want you," she cried. "This isn't right; we're supposed to be together. We were always supposed to be together."

She felt the severed ends of their bond especially strong right now, the places where her mind should touch his, the places where her mind hurt the most. They weren't as raw as they had been at first but she was pretty sure they would never heal. They were becoming more irritated as she got more upset but she couldn't stop the cries. The pain would get bad but she knew it would eventually subside.

She kept herself from thinking about _that_ day much. It had come only three weeks after the night that her and the Doctor had shared a terrible nightmare. That nightmare actually hadn't been a dream at all but a glimpse of the future, one where they would be separated. The Doctor had encouraged her that night to try and put the glimpse behind her since the events they saw weren't fixed and might not even happen. She had thought it would be harder to overcome it than it actually was. She had never seen the future before, fixed or in flux, so she wasn't sure how she could press past what she had seen. But she did. _They_ did. Those last three weeks had been the best ones of her life. That future they'd seen could have been dread looming over them and holding them back. Instead, they had let it be translated into motivation to make the most of each moment and spend as much time together as they could.

They had made the very best of the weeks they'd had left. The Doctor had taken her to so many places, his favorite places. They'd somehow managed to avoid very many end-of-the-world scenarios in that time and had actually been able to get to the places they set out to. Maybe the TARDIS had known they needed to have the fun while they could and hadn't redirected them elsewhere. Whatever the reason they were able to be very selfish with that time and had been able to focus solely on each other. Every day was full adventure and every night they had spent together bonding their minds together. Spending time together in that way had not yet been an everyday occurrence for them until that terrible night. But after that night they hadn't wasted any opportunity. Not knowing whether they had days or years left together they had made it a daily event and had experienced each other as much as they could. It had all been perfect.

Their connection together had grown so much during that time. Rose had felt herself becoming stronger in her own abilities than she ever thought she could be. She still couldn't talk or touch his mind across the distance but she could hear whispers and a deeper sense and awareness of his mind since that night. His emotional and mental presence had been such a comfort in those weeks. Their bond had become so deep that there was a piece of him that was always with her and a part of her was always with him. They had become so close, that at the time they parted, she had known it would not be long until they would enter the deepest, most secret part of each other's minds and their very souls would be bound together.

They had finally decided to stop and visit Jackie and that was what brought them to back to earth on that day. It had even been his suggestion. Rose had almost said no but she had decided that she would like to see her mum. They hadn't been to see her for two months and she also knew that there was no way that the Doctor would be leaving her side. She wouldn't have to choose between seeing her mum or the Doctor; he wasn't going anywhere. And the fact that they both knew this and still he had suggested all that domestic time to make her happy meant the world to her.

That day had begun as such a happy one. She'd grabbed her bag of laundry and they walked out of the TARDIS towards her mum's flat. She'd felt so good that she was bouncing with energy and happiness. She was glad to see her mum again and even the Doctor hadn't complained or grumbled at all that they were going to see Jackie. They had only had a few minutes with Jackie though before things had taken a quick change for the worse. It was hard to believe that a day that had felt so good at the start had ended as the worst one of her life. The rest of that day was pain and she did her best not to remember it.

There was another day she tried not to remember. That day, only two months ago, had come in as a close second to the worst one she'd ever experienced. It was the day when she'd last spoken to the Doctor on that terrible beach. It wasn't quite as bad as the first day she'd been parted from him but it was still dreadfully painful. She'd had so much hope for that day when it had started. But it had ended leaving her no closer to the Doctor than she had been when it began. That meeting which she'd had so much optimism for had only served as another farewell to him.

When she'd woken one night hearing him say her name she knew it was real. She knew it wasn't just a dream. Not when it was him; not with what they were capable of together. Nothing was normal between the two of them; she knew it meant something. She had known he was calling for her. She felt him guiding her and she knew where he wanted her to go. In an instant, she was prepared to follow his voice until she got there. She had assumed that he had finally found a way to get through the universes and that he was telling her where to go so he could bring her back. Ever since she had become trapped in the parallel universe she had hoped that he had been working on a solution that would bring them back to each other and that day she thought he had finally found one.

She had explained what was going on to her mum, Pete and Mickey as best as she could, only giving them the information she was comfortable with. She didn't tell them about the special bond between her and the Doctor or about her own telepathic abilities. She told them that the Doctor had certain skills and she was very sure that he had found a way to actually communicate with her. She thought that they would assume she had finally lost it. She expected their resistance. But to their credit they had all been supportive even if they might have been slightly skeptical. They all accompanied her to Norway and waited while she searched for the Doctor.

When she saw him her mind had felt conflicted. She could tell the difference between his image and his actual physical presence; she knew that he wasn't actually there with her. But just the sight of him, after such a long separation, caused her mind to flutter. Three months might not seem like a long time to some people but, for two people who were connected as closely as they were and who were meant to walk through life side by side, it was an eternity.

She had spent those three months managing the movement of her mind. She had finally come to a place where its activity no longer plagued her relentlessly. She had finally gotten to the place where she was able to deal with it and it was no long overwhelming to her most of the time. But all of that work seemed to come undone with just one look at his face. It was so deceiving to see him there and it preoccupied her so much that for a moment she had forgotten that he wasn't actually standing on the beach with her. Before she knew it she'd reached out a hand to him.

He whispered "no touch" and they both knew what that meant; they couldn't be together the way that they both so badly wanted to be. She knew that, of course, but it had hurt all the same. She began to get the feeling that this meeting was not the rescue she had hoped it would be. "Burning up a sun to say goodbye" was what he said. _Goodbye_. He hadn't found a way to bring her home.

She wanted to tell him she hurt. Her mind hurt, her heart hurt, her body hurt. Everything in her was reaching, searching, longing to connect with him and finding nothing. She wanted to feel him in that moment but there was nothing. No sense of him, no presence of the inside of him. Surely, this wasn't the end. He said he'd come to say goodbye, that the universes would fracture if he attempted to come through. But that couldn't be true. It couldn't be right if it kept them apart when they _needed_ to be together.

She could hardly contain her disappointment when she realized that she would have to stay there in that wrong universe and that she wouldn't be leaving with him. The past three months had felt like a nightmare and she wanted it to end. It was even worse when she found out that they would only have two minutes to speak to each other. That was hardly anything. She couldn't think of what to say; words weren't nearly enough to express herself. There was so much between them and two minutes of spoken words couldn't do any of it justice.

She had wanted to be strong, like he was being. But she couldn't help but start to cry as the bleakness of their situation became more and more real to her. She had uttered words to him that day that they had only spoken to each other within the confines of their own minds. She'd never had to say them out loud. She liked that the only way that they had ever said "I love you" was secretly between them. But there he was, quite possibly for the last time, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't speak the words to his mind. It felt somehow wrong to say them out loud but she couldn't not say them if this was really the last time she would speak to him.

The time was so short that he didn't even have a chance to say it back to her and in the end she was left on that beach without him. That parting had not been as painful as the first but that did not mean much. The hopes she'd brought with her of their reuniting again were dashed when he faded from sight. She felt as if she had lost him all over again. Her mind had already gone through the separation from his but it ached terribly that day from all her sadness and disappointment. It had taken her several weeks to recover from that day and still she wouldn't accept that it was the end.

Rose felt so alone. The loss of the Doctor would have been enough to do that but on top of it all she had no one else to turn to. She was so grateful to have her mum, Mickey and Pete with her in this strange universe she was forced to live in but they weren't in the same position as her. They were _happy_ to be here but she couldn't be. They wanted to be here and she could think of nothing but leaving. She tried not to show how sad she was, how much she hated this world, how she couldn't get attached to anything because it was all temporary. But she knew they all still saw it. They had been so supportive but as the months passed she knew they had to be wondering when she would start to move on with her life. She tried to make it look like she doing better with each day because she couldn't bear to have anyone suggest she needed to get over the Doctor. She shuddered at the very thought.

Nobody understood how much she couldn't do that. This wasn't a normal human relationship that she could 'get over.' As long as she lived she could never 'move on.' They didn't know she was forever bound to the Doctor in her mind. It was lifeline commitment and was irreplaceable. She didn't hold it against them because they didn't know. How could they? How could she ever explain what she and the Doctor shared? She couldn't and she didn't want to try. She didn't want them to understand. What her and the Doctor had shared was so personal and private that she didn't want anyone to know about it.

What she did want was someone she could actually talk to. She knew she couldn't really have that since there was no one who could understand what she was going through and she was unwilling to explain it to anyone else but she still wished she could have it. Instead, she had to save all of her sorrow for when she was alone like this. That was the only time she could let it out. Sometimes when she was curled up in bed clutching her head she just wanted to scream. It seemed to be too much to bear all alone.

She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew she was standing in the control room of the TARDIS and the Doctor was standing in front of her smiling joyfully at her.

 **Come and talk to me! I've missed you all!**


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor stared at her with happiness and anticipation, looking relieved and excited at her presence. But Rose felt no surprise at her surroundings; none of this was new. She let out a heavy sigh and felt so tired.

"Hello Rose," the Doctor greeted smiling at her.

"No," she said tiredly crossing her arms and shaking her head. "I can't. I can't do this."

"Rose-" the Doctor started, cautiously, walking towards her slowly.

"No," she said again. "Not today. I can't do it today."

She knew this was a dream. It had happened to her many times in the months since their separation. Usually, she didn't arrive at that conclusion until she woke and found herself not on the TARDIS. But for some reason, she was now fully aware that the TARDIS around and the Doctor in front of her were not real, but just another dream. After being so terribly sad all day that he wasn't with her, she just didn't think she had the strength for this.

She pressed her hands to her head. She couldn't even look at this dream Doctor. It hurt too much and she wished that she had never let herself fall asleep. She'd been miserable at the party but even that was better than this. "I just want to wake up," she quietly to herself.

"Just let me explain," the Doctor requested.

"There's no need," she said flatly, looking at him again. Maybe if she stared at him enough she would see that he wasn't real and be brought to reality sooner. "This isn't real. I'm dreaming. I understand that."

"This isn't just a dream," he insisted looking at her seriously.

"Yes it is. And when I wake up, I'll still be in the wrong universe and you won't be there. My mind will ache and my heart will hurt worse than ever."

The Doctor's face fell. He looked so sad and troubled at her words. That was unusual. When she dreamed of the Doctor he never looked this sad. He looked at her now, like he felt devastated, like his hearts were breaking. It puzzled her how much her words seemed to affect him. Her dreams weren't usually this authentic.

He quickly pulled himself together and pressed on. "You're right; this _is_ a dream. But it is also real."

She was confused. She didn't know how the two could be true at the same time. She realized with a start that she was getting pulled into the dream, almost allowing herself to think it might be real for a second. "This isn't real," she insisted firmly.

"Yes it is."

"No, it isn't!" she cried, looking away from him again. She would not allow herself to believe this was real. If she did then she would be all the more crushed when she woke.

The Doctor walked closer to her and spoke very quietly. "It is...kind of. I promise you."

For some reason, something in his tone caused her pause. He spoke so sincerely and she had always trusted his promises in the past. She wanted to now. "What does that mean?"

"Well, this is a dream. I'm asleep right now in the TARDIS and you are still asleep in the parallel universe. But this conversation is real; we are communicating through the dream. I really am talking to you and you can really talk to me."

It seemed unbelievable. It _was_ unbelievable. But that was kind of the basis of their entire relationship. If anyone could believe that it was possible for two people to communicate through their dreams, across a universe even, it would be her. There would be something wrong with her if she couldn't believe that after everything they'd shared.

"Really?" she asked, hope coming into her words.

"Yes, really," he reassured with a smile.

A sob left her mouth and she covered it with her hand. She quickly smiled through her tears. "It's Christmas. It's Christmas and all I've wanted all day was for you to be here with me."

He smiled warmly at her, looking like he was even more pleased with this encounter and its timing. "Merry Christmas Rose," he said with feeling. "You look very pretty," he said gesturing at her dress.

She glanced down at her dress. The one she had been wearing for the party had carried over into her dream and was what she was wearing now. She had felt kind of silly when her mum had insisted that she get so dressed up for the party. Rose had never been to a fancy party in her whole life and the red sparkly dress with a long skirt had seemed a bit much. But now that she was here with the Doctor and she was able to talk to him and have him see her she was very glad she was dressed up.

"It's for the party. It's the nicest dress I think I've ever had. Mum went all out. We even went to one of those fancy shops and everything," she said blushing and feeling a little embarrassed for getting carried away.

Worry suddenly nagged at Rose. "How long do we have?" she asked.

She remembered, with pain, back to the last time they had spoken and how short their time had been together. She was sad, just thinking this might be over again so soon.

"I don't know," the Doctor admitted. "It depends on how long we both stay in this current stage of sleep. But I imagine it will be longer than two minutes," he said.

She smiled. Even without being mentally connected he still knew her thoughts. "Good. It's…just perfect that you're here today."

She walked closer to him until she was standing just a couple of inches in front of him. "I just can't believe that this is possible," she said in amazement.

"I can't really believe it myself."

She reached a hand up to his face to touch him but she quickly pulled it back. She clearly remembered the last time she had spoken to him and how she had reached out but couldn't touch him. He wasn't really here just as he hadn't been there. This was a dream and she wouldn't be able to touch him.

But his answer surprised her. "It's alright," he assured her. "You can touch me."

"How?"

"Just try," he said giving her a smile. Oh, that smile. How was it even possible to miss a smile that much?

She reached out a hand and placed it on his face. His skin was warm under her hand and she could feel the short rough stubble growing on his cheek.

"We can't touch telepathically but physically we can," he explained.

"How is this possible?" she asked in astonishment putting her other hand on his face and running her fingers back and forth against his cheeks. She expected the feeling to subside at any moment but it didn't.

"Well, our minds are very powerful things," he said, his statement full of suggestion.

"Yes," she agreed with a mischievous smile. "I am quite aware of that."

"Well, you have the memories of everything you know about me; how I look, how I feel and your mind is constructing it off that. We can't touch mentally because our minds are occupied just creating this entire scenario and really are already touching. They are able to make this a very realistic meeting for us."

She ran her hands down to rest on his shoulders, still mesmerized. The pinstripe suit felt smooth against her skin just as it would in reality. She could feel his heart beat when she ran her hand down his chest to rest on his right heart and even caught whiffs of his scent now and then. It was so real. It wasn't and yet it was. It was everything she needed right now.

The Doctor stepped closer to her, closing the distance between them. She couldn't believe it but she could feel, actually feel it, when his body connected with hers and felt as his arms wrapped around her waist. It was amazing and she looked up to find the Doctor's eyes staring down at her, deep and full of inner emotion.

"Dance with me Rose," he said with passion.

She let out a loaded sigh before she could get ahold of any words. "Of course," she managed to breathe out. Her arms went to encircle around his neck and his were still comfortably wrapped around her waist.

He paused and smiled as a thought came to him. He dramatically snapped his fingers and the interior of the TARDIS around them changed. The lights dimmed but the walls were illuminated by strings and strings of multi colored Christmas lights. A light snow began to fall from the ceiling all around them.

"Tah dah," he said with a flourish of his hands. "It is Christmas after all."

She laughed. "You do know that I know that you can't really do such a thing in real life. You're just thinking it up."

"Hey now," he said in mock offense. "Don't go telling all of my secrets," he said and then smiled, wrapping his arms around her again. "I could imagine us anywhere really; you could too. That is, if this wonderful setting I've created doesn't suffice."

"No," she was quick to say with a shake of her head. "This is exactly where I want to be."

"I guess I'm 'home for Christmas' as you humans would say and I didn't even know it," he said grinning.

"But you're on the TARDIS right now; you never left it," she said confused.

"Yeah, that's right," he said, his voice and face now serious. She stared back at him and though she wasn't inside of his head where she could read his thoughts she knew exactly what he was feeling. He no longer equated being on the TARDIS to being home. She knew that it wasn't home to him without her there. She knew exactly how he felt.

He seemed to sense that she was reading him like a book and shook off the serious mood. With another snap of his fingers music came on. "Here we are some nice traditional Christmas music, perfect for dancing."

She scrunched up her face her face as some very loud hostile music started playing, full of drumbeats and chanting. "That isn't Christmas music," she said with a smile.

"Yes it is," he said with certainty. "Weeeelllll, I say 'Christmas music' but it's as close as they come to Christmas on Haivis 3."

"It sounds so angry."

"Well, the Haivians are a very violent people."

He pulled out his sonic and adjusted the music. This time soft Christmas music from Earth started playing. "I'll be home for Christmas," started to fill the room. She smiled and he looked unsure. "Too cliché?" he asked. "Or is that what humans would call 'sentimental'?"

She leaned into him wrapping her arms around his neck. "You could play anything, even that crazy warrior music and I wouldn't care. I'm just glad to be here with you."

He smiled at her in response and they began to sway gently together.

"So...Christmas? Eh? Is it a white one?" he asked.

"No. Just a sky full of stupid zeppelins."

He laughed slightly and she did too in spite of it all. "How's the dinner?"

"You mean how is my mum's cooking?" she asked giving him a knowing look. "Well, we are having a huge Christmas party. My mum has always had expensive taste. The difference is now she can indulge in it. All of the food is catered so there is none of my mum's cooking."

"What a relief," he teased.

"Hey," she said giving his body a small nudge with her own. "I didn't think our Christmas dinner last year wasn't all that bad."

"No it wasn't" he agreed quietly thinking back to the last Christmas they'd shared together. They were both quiet for a moment as they remembered. He'd just regenerated into this body. They'd just saved the world. They were all together and happy. It seemed like such a long time ago. So many things had happened since then.

"I had a Christmas," he said quietly.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"It was after...after I saw you last. It was that day."

"How was it?"

"It could have been better. I wasn't really in the holiday mood," he said dejectedly. She could tell there was a sad story behind it but she could also tell it wasn't one he wanted to recount right now. Considering how sad that day had been for her as well, she wasn't sure she wanted to press it either.

"So, how did you manage this?" she asked looking around the room again. "I mean, being able to travel through dreams is not something that I remember you mentioning."

"That's because it's not something I knew would be possible."

"Really?" she asked with a curious smile.

"Yes. It is actually a skill I learned from someone else. I met an empath on one of the planets I traveled to and she told me about it," he giving a small sad laugh. "She actually approached me about it. She said she had to come up and speak to me."

"How come?"

Here the Doctor's face darkened a little more. "She said she had to see what was going on and if there was any way she could help because she had never felt anyone who was so brokenhearted."

Rose gave him a comforting squeeze. He said it so off handed but she knew how much he must be hurting, how much he must want comfort, if he was admitting it at all. "Anyway," he said overcoming the emotions. "She was very kind and I actually decided to tell her. I told her about us, how we were bonded, how we were separated and couldn't get back together. That's when she told me about a way of controlling your dreams. She told me it was possible to go into another's dreams and communicate that way. She said it wasn't easy but since we were telepathically linked we would probably have an advantage.

"Even still it wasn't easy. I had to lull myself into a dream state while still remaining aware that I was dreaming; that was the only way to manipulate it. I don't need sleep that often so I didn't have many chances to attempt it. And we both had to be in the same cycle of sleep for it to work, which you can imagine is something that happens even less. I almost managed it, that day when I called out for you. But you woke up just before I made complete contact."

"Wow. I'm so glad it finally worked. I'm so glad I get to talk to you," she said with a smile.

"Me too," he said smiling back at her.

But his smile quickly faded. He couldn't do it any longer. He couldn't pretend to be happy anymore. Though they were not able to speak telepathically, a silent word seemed to pass between them and they both agreed. It did no good to ignore how things really were. They were both hurting and what they needed most was comfort.

"I don't want to go back to the way things were," he said. "Just because we can't touch each other's emotions and thoughts right now doesn't mean we should go back to the days when we weren't transparent. I want to be honest."

"I want that too," she agreed eagerly. "I feel like all I ever do is pretend I'm happy, to make it look like I feel better than I am. You're the only one who can understand. I don't want to keep it from you."

They stopped moving to the music but their hold on each other only tightened. He pulled her even closer to him, one of his arms coming to hold her firm against the back. She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and pulled his head to hers. The gesture didn't have the usual effect but it was just comforting in itself to be there again.

"I miss you...so much," she said finally allowing the sorrow to come through in her voice.

"I miss you too," he said and she could feel him reach down and place his lips against her temple. This was their most intimate of gestures and she treasured it more than any other. He kissed her ever so slightly and then slowly rubbed his lips back and forth against her skin. Chills shook her body at the touch and she marveled that she could _feel_ it. Her mind burst with memories of all of the times he'd touched her like this and she relived them all quickly all the way back to that very first time. She felt like crying she'd missed this so much.

"Do you hurt?" he asked quietly.

At first she was confused at the question. Of course she hurt. She hurt every day and in every way. In the past few months she had ached more than she ever had in her life and so badly at times she wondered if she could survive it. Was that really what he wanted hear? He had to already know the answer. With a pain in her chest she realized the same would be true for him.

He pulled his lips away from her head and pulled back slightly to look at her. "Our bond?" he said clarifying his question. "Our bond...does it hurt too badly?" he asked and she could tell it was difficult for him have to ask such a question but he really wanted to know.

 _Our bond._ _S_ he ached to hear him talk about it. She'd missed even just hearing him speak about their connection. It did hurt her but it also kept her alive. "Yes," she said honestly. Anything else would be a gross lie.

"I'm sorry," he said and it broke her heart to see how sad he was when he said it. But for once he wasn't apologizing that he was the reason she hurt, that he was the one who had made it possible for her to feel this kind of pain. He was apologizing because he wasn't there to take it away.

"I don't mind," she said fiercely pulling her head to briefly touch his again. "Honestly, Doctor I don't mind. Our bond means so much to me...all those times we've had are so special to me. I would experience any amount of pain to have had the privilege of experiencing them. Even if...even if..." she said her voice trailing off, not able to make herself finish the sentence. "Every time I feel it, it reminds I still belong to you...and I need that."

It was apparently exactly what he wanted to hear. He took in a sharp breath and she was sure it was a cry he was trying to contain. He pulled her head down again and kissed her repeatedly on her temple. Even without the effects of their mental bond she still felt dizzy from the all the affection. She had been without it for so long and she needed it so much. She could feel in his actions how much her words had meant to him. She wasn't used to being limited to words alone so she was especially glad that she'd been able to find the right ones. She wished she could pour into him everything she was feeling but for now, she found that words weren't all that bad.

"How are you doing...how are you coping with the separation?" he finally asked.

"I'm managing," she said honestly. "It hurt the most at first. It still does at times. It's the worst when I'm upset, like it always did."

"I should have explained it all to you, just in case, so you would have had a better handle on it."

"Don't worry about it Doctor; I'm figuring it out."

"Of course. I knew you would. My amazing Rose, you are so brilliant," he said with a sad smile. "You always figure it out. I just wish I would have done anything that I could that might have helped. "

She smiled at his compliment but she was sure that there wasn't anything that would have made this terrible separation any better.

"How long did it take?" he asked pained. She knew what he was asking. He was wondering how long it had taken for the pain of their separating to stop.

"I was in bed for the first three days," she admitted. "The pain was so terrible. It was so overwhelming I couldn't do anything else. And I didn't even have the will to want to try and overcome it," she said the words were just spilling out of her now that she finally, finally, had someone who understood what she was feeling. Now that she was with the only one who could understand she wanted him to know. "Nobody understood."

"I do," he said sympathetically, letting her know she wasn't alone in this.

"I know. I know you do," she said so grateful that he did. "You've been through this before," she added sadly.

"That doesn't make it any easier. It never gets easier. Separation is never supposed to happen."

"How bad was it for you?" she asked.

He looked down for a moment before answering. He had an even more difficult time with words than she did. They were both used to an even exchange of themselves in the bond but it was different now that they didn't have a connection that made sharing so much easier. She knew how hard it was for him to express himself in words. She longed to reach into his head and let him speak into her mind so that he wouldn't have to. But that was no longer possible.

He didn't pause long though, perhaps remembering how the last time they'd spoken he'd wasted time and not been able to get all the words out that he had wanted. Whatever it was, something was propelling him to speak honestly. "It was awful," he said, looking into her face again.

Her face twisted in pain and sympathy as she watched him while he talked. "Rose...I may have lost someone I was bonded with before but I have never been through anything like this. I've never been with anyone like you before. Everything was always so emotional with you. Everything was so much _more._ You were buried so deeply down inside of me, knit so intricately into me...that when you were ripped out of me I felt like my mind was being shredded."

Rose clung to the Doctor, burying her face into the crook of his neck, her arms holding on to him and he held back. "I made it back to the TARDIS in time but then I fell apart. I don't even know how much time passed. I thought I might not survive it."

"I felt the same way," she said painfully but strangely relieved to have someone else in this.

"But I'm going to be alright," he reassured.

"Are you? Are you really? You said you were alone."

"I have the TARDIS and she tries to help in her own way. Like she did before..."

 _Before us,_ she thought when he didn't finish.

He cleared his throat before continuing. "You don't even have that."

"Don't worry about me. I have Mum and Pete and Mickey. I'll be fine."

"I just keeping thinking back to that day."

"Me too," she said. Even though she tried not to think of that day she did think of it often. "I keep thinking 'what if.' What if I had just said no to visiting my mum?"

"Rose...It was my idea to go."

"Yes but you suggested it for me. We came back to Earth because of me. I just keep thinking about what would have happened if we weren't there that day."

"We were meant to be there. Think of what would have happened if we hadn't been there."

"I know," she agreed and she did know it. "I just feel like being selfish. I just feel like wishing we hadn't been there, that we could still be together, no matter what the consequences were." She stopped and shook her head. "Listen to me; I'm terrible."

He tilted her head to look at him. "No, you're not. I wish that too sometimes," he said with a slight smile which she returned. "You have no idea how much."

His face turned serious and she knew that he was thinking about something else now. She hated not knowing exactly what he was thinking and not even being able to feel what he was feeling or feel the press of his mind against hers. That was the way things were supposed to be and it frustrated her to her very core that they were not so.

Finally, he spoke, voicing his thoughts. "I sent you away."

"I know."

Rose felt pressure build up in her chest as she remembered. She couldn't believe it when he had suggested that she go to the other universe and live while he stayed in their universe, separated forever. She remembered telling him "that's not gonna happen." The idea was so preposterous she hadn't even known why he was suggesting it. They were bonded; he knew they couldn't be apart. She had been hurt that he would even suggest they try. Then when he had gone behind her back and made her go away she'd burnt up with rage. He _had_ known how she felt when he'd done that before and yet he'd gone and done it again.

"You begged me not to. That night when we saw the future you begged me not to leave you again. But I did."

"Yeah," she said a catch in in her throat.

"Don't you wonder why?" he asked.

"I did at first. I was really angry with you. But then I felt how afraid you were. I felt it so strongly when I came back after you had tried to send me away. I didn't know what it was for exactly; there was so much going on and I couldn't focus and find out why. But I knew you were terrified of something."

"I told you I didn't know if I could send you away again...after we were bonded I told you I wasn't sure if I could send you away like I had before. I knew how you felt...I knew how it had hurt you when I had done that before but I did do it again."

"So why did you do it then?"

"I saw it," he said heavily as he remembered. "I saw you being pulled into the void...I saw you lost forever. It wasn't until right before I opened the rift," he said and there was a catch in his voice as he remembered. Rose looked up at him with understanding. She wasn't angry anymore. She saw him clench his jaw trying to bite back the emotions that were making tears in his eyes. "It was the most terrible thing I've ever seen," he said looking at her with gravity.

He meant it and they both knew just what that meant. She knew the awful things the Doctor had seen and yet this was what he thought was the worst. "I saw you lost in nothingness...worse than death even; it was a terrible emptiness," he said tears filling his eyes.

"Doctor."

"I should have told you then...back when you asked me all that time ago. Rose...I will _always_ send you away if staying with me will result in your death. As bad as this is, this separation...it doesn't compare to what your death would be. I'm sorry. I know you want a choice but I can't help myself."

"Shhh," she said putting a hand on his face. "I know that. I've really known it all along."

"I'm sorry," he said holding her hand to his face with his own and closing his eyes.

"Oh, Doctor," she said shaking her head. "I hope you haven't been thinking all this time that I was angry about that. I feel a lot of things but there is no room for any anger against you."

She pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder and his arms tightened around her, hugging her.

"I never got to tell you that I was proud of you," he said against her.

"Proud of me? For what?"

"What you did that day. When you pushed that lever back in place so the void would stay open."

"What?" she asked surprised. "That's what started all this mess."

"I know," he said pulling back to look at her again. "I know it's what got us separated...but you risked your life. You knew you might get pulled into the void if you risked letting go of that handle but you did it anyway. You saved the world."

She smiled at him. "Guess I learned from the best."

"Same here."

She looked at him and studied his face for a few moments. She thought of all she wanted to say, of everything she had wanted to tell him and share with him in the past five months. She didn't know how much time they would have and as she thought it all over she realized that there was something she needed to ask him above all the rest.

"Doctor…the last time we spoke…"

"Yes?" he asked encouraging her.

"You said it was to say goodbye."

"I thought it would be the last time I would speak to you. I didn't know that we would be able to do this."

"But you also said…" she said but she paused, finding herself getting incredibly emotional as she faced this question that had plagued her since that day. "You said I could never see you again. You said two worlds would fracture. Do you really think that's true?"

She hadn't wanted to think about it; she hadn't been able to face it since the day he'd said it. She had feared he had given up hope on ever being together again. She couldn't stand to think that they were really out of options and that he would one day stop working to find her. But she knew she would have to face this question at some point and since she had him here with her right now she knew it was the best moment to face it.

She held her breath as she waited for his answer. "I don't know Rose," he admitted. "I really don't. That's the way it looks right now. But anything's possible, don't you think?"

"Yes" she agreed wholeheartedly; she was so glad to hear that he felt the same. He did still have hope they might be together, really together, again. He wouldn't give up on finding her.

"Rose, there was something you said the last time we together," he said, his face looking troubled again.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"You said 'I love you.'"

"Yes. You know I do."

"Yes I do," he said smiling. "I want to say-"

"Doctor," she said warning him because she knew where this was going.

"I didn't get to finish."

"I know. You don't have to."

"Rose, I want to say it-"

"Don't. Please don't," she begged shaking her head.

"But-"

"No."

"Why not? Rose, I should have said it so many times. I don't know what I was waiting for."

She closed her eyes and reached one hand to the back of his neck and one hand to grip the lapel on his jacket pulling him close. She pressed her forehead to his and yearned to feel it. She could hear he was hurt. She wanted to comfort him in every way she was capable. As real as this felt the lack of his mind was what reminded her they were separated. "You've already said it. You've already told me. So many times and in so many ways."

"But I never said it out loud."

"I know but...not like this," she whispered, pleading. "Save it. Save it for when we're really together again," she said opening her eyes and looking at him.

As unbearable as living without him was now, it would be impossible if he said those words because if he said them then she would know that he really had given up. If he said them now it would mean he did not believe he would have a chance to say them again. That would mean he felt they would never be reunited again. He had only tried to say it before because he thought it was his last chance to say it; it was the same reason she had said it. If he said it now she would know that he once again, thought this was their last chance.

He looked at her and he could read what she was saying, not from her mind as he was now accustomed to but from her face. They may prefer to read each other from the inside but they still knew each other just as well on the outside. He knew every expression her face could make and what each and every one meant. He pulled her close, holding her against him and reaching a hand up to hold inside of her hair. She longed for what that would do to her if they were telepathically connected.

The music continued to play softly in the background. She concentrated on feeling his body against hers as they swayed only slightly now. She never forgot the way it felt when their bodies touched but she loved having a reminder. Her hands were clutched together behind his back and she rested her head against his shoulder and pressed her face to rest against his neck.

She only wanted to feel every part of her that she could against him. There was so much more she could say and wanted to say but right now she just wanted to be with him more than anything else. It was hard to imagine how much you could ache just to be held by a certain person, just to have them near you, until they were pulled from you. She missed so many things, even grand things that they were capable of together. But she longed for these simple things too.

After a long while he was the one who broke the silence. "I don't understand it."

"What is that?"

"Our time together. I just don't understand it. Even with my Time Lord mind and knowledge of the bonding, I don't understand it."

"What do you mean?" she asked pulling back to look at him.

"I have lived for so many years. Hundreds and hundreds of them. The time we've known each other is so short in comparison; the time we've known each other's minds is even shorter than that. And yet, I see how significant that time is. I can see how its importance dwarfs the rest of that time."

Her mouth dropped open, surprised and overwhelmed by what he was saying.

"We've grown so close so quickly; I know it doesn't feel quick to you but believe me when I say we are falling very fast. Everything with you is different; it is so much more. It changed everything for the better."

Rose didn't know what to say. The Doctor hardly ever said anything like this. The only time he even came close was when the bonding of their minds made him more secure and open. He still didn't say these things out loud. She reached up on her toes and kissed him on the side of his head, tenderly a couple of times, to express herself now that she was the one who was at a loss for words.

She rested back down and looked at him but he glanced away and grimaced slightly. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I can feel the connection is breaking," he said with regret. "You're starting to wake up."

"No!" she couldn't help but cry out. "I don't want it to be over."

He took both of her hands and squeezed them, trying to reassure her. "It's alright. This was the very best Christmas. I'm so glad I was able to spend it with you," he said bravely, smiling at her.

"I will get back to you," she said with determination. "I _will_ find a way. We will make a way. We must."

He looked at her fondly. "If there is anyone in the universe who can do the impossible I know it's you."

She smiled back at him. "Merry Christmas" she said.

"Merry Christmas."

"Thank you...so much for this. See you soon," she said with confidence and a smile on her face with her last glimpse of him.

When Rose woke the first thing she was aware of, before she even opened her eyes, was her mind. It was no longer hurting. And for the first time in months, the first time since she'd lost the Doctor, it wasn't because it had just stopped searching; this time it was because it was satisfied. The slightest brush across the distance from him had relieved it. She smiled as she sighed and opened her eyes.

She stayed where she was on the bed, staring out the window. The Christmas lights that hung around the window were glowing brighter as it was getting darker outside. She replayed her Christmas gift, her meeting with the Doctor, over and over again, intent on memorizing every word and move of their unlikely but spectacular encounter.

She had only been awake for a few minutes when she heard the door open. She glanced over to find her mum popping her head in the room. "There you are," Jackie said with a smile as she saw Rose.

"Hi Mum."

"What are you doing in here?" Jackie said coming over to the bed and sitting down beside Rose.

"I was tired. Just wanted to take a nap."

"Are you feeling alright?" Jackie asked with slight concern, putting a hand to Rose's forehead.

Rose smiled. "Yeah. I'm better now," she said and for the first time since she'd arrived in this universe it wasn't a lie.

"You do look happy," Jackie said, relief just barely in her voice. Rose could see that her mum worried about her.

"I had a good dream," Rose said simply, not elaborating on it, but mulling over the full significance of it to herself.

The lines from the song that had been playing when she danced with the Doctor replayed now in her mind. _I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams._ She smiled; how true those words were right now. Today she had been home though it had only been in a dream. But one day she was certain, now more than ever before, that it would be real and permanent. Being able to speak to the Doctor again had seemed impossible before today but he'd found a way for them. Being reunited seemed impossible now but she knew they would find a way for that too. Her and the Doctor would find each other again and they would continue this spectacular journey they had started until they had grown completely together.

 **A/N: Thank you for reading "I'll Be Home." Continue reading about the Doctor and Rose's journey in the next and final in this series "Awakening."**


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